Options

Options, we all have them.  We use them when deciding what to wear and what to do with our days; we are always weighing them, comparing and contrasting them against each other and choosing one option over the other. It's just what we do, and we take it for granted. 

Lately, this word, "option" really irks me.  It's all I can focus on every time it slips out of someone's mouth , haunting me until I give it my full attention.  It's like an itch I can't scratch and it's as though  I'm hearing it repeated over and over in every conversation I have. I hate the word.

Weird, right? Maybe, but  It never used to bother me . This strong and seemingly  over-dramatic feeling  towards this word started only a couple of weeks ago.

Last year, I was hurt. I let a boy in and he hurt me. To be honest, I spent most of my time being mad about what happened rather than admitting that I was in fact hurt. This is a typical thing for me to do though, so I wasn't surprised when I recently found myself feeling sad and missing this boy so long after the fact. Because this guy was and still is a very close friend of mine, I thought it was necessary that a conversation regarding last year's events take place. I felt the need to let him know that he hurt me, and it took a lot guts.

You never know what someone's reaction to such a topic will be, and I was pleasantly surprised by how well he received what I had to say and handled my honesty , as well as the  honesty he gave me in return

Without getting into details of what happened, he told me that I was an "option".  He warned me that it was going to sound bad and potentially hurt before he said it... But it was honest, and as much as it bothered me, I did appreciate it.  I told him I understood what he meant, but the way I see it... I was something he could have taken or left; something to fall back on if all else failed, I was an "option"...

I've never had "options" when it came to guys or relationships. I think that's because I invest a lot of myself into my prospects and it's hard to for me to see past what I'm set on and so I close myself off to my "options", if they even exist. Frankly, I'm glad that's how it works for me. But how do I stop being and option?  I can't say this is the first time this has happened to me, but it's definitely the first time a guy has been honest with me about it and made me aware of it, but how do you stop?

I hate the fact that I was an option, especially to someone I care so much for. I can't blame him, it's probably normal, but it's just hard to hear. I'd like to think I'm more than just an option ...yeah, yeah, yeah... But I don't know how to stop being one, I don't know how to remove myself from the situation. I guess I can only  learn how not to get into the situation, that is, not let myself get so involved that I end up becoming one.  But I think once you're there, once you've felt it, become vulnerable, let your guard down  and someone in, being an option isn't an option... It just happens, and you just got to trust or believe that you're they're first choice.

Life is full of these little trials. Some break your heart, some leave you hurt, some change you, but every single of one of them, regardless of the obscurity and / or difficulty of the lesson, teach you something you didn't know before.  They're essential to our lives  and they keep us human.