Soul Mates and Letting Go.

     “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let go of this one. It’s over. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that the relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at a dump, baby - you’re just lickin’ at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.” 

“But I love him”


“So love him”


“But I miss him”


     “So miss him. Send him some love and light ever time you think about him, and then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of him because then you’ll really be alone. and you are scared to death of what will happen if you’re really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot - a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go…. you gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be”


- Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Honesty? Honestly.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vfnuRV_d64

      This is the song I've been listening to over and over today, and for some reason it has made me realize that I am walking and talking internal struggle. Not a day goes by where I am not arguing with myself or trying to sort out some sort of personal issue I'm having with my feelings and thoughts. I'm constantly flirting with that thin line between what my heart wants and what my head knows, hoping to find a balance while continually crossing the line into one area or the other which results in either regret for doing what my head said, or hurt because I listened to my heart.  Usually my heart is telling me, "Keeley, go for it! What do you have to lose!?", while my head is stepping in front of my heart, pushing it aside saying, "seriously?! You're going to listen to THIS guy? Have you learned ANYTHING?!".  And so consequently, I build up these walls around my heart, not only to shut it up, but to protect it from being reckless and potentially dangerous, all while letting my head govern how often it's allowed to come out and have a say in my life's decisions... And I don't feel as though I'm the only person who does this.

     Unfortunately, these walls that we build up to protect us, are the same walls that ultimately entrap us and hold us back. Finding that balance between heart and head is so important, but so very difficult to do. The head plays it safe while the heart is impulsive... At least in my experience. My head installs fear into my heart - the fear of being hurt, rejected, let down, or not enough, and so when it comes to being honest about my heart, I hold back. There have been countless times where I have felt it necessary to lay it all out there, speak what's on my heart and let my feelings about something (or, usually someone) be made known -but then all of a sudden, the fear takes hold, my self consciousness kicks in and I bite my tongue as I disappear behind the emotional walls I've created. Fear is so debilitating, and such a dangerous element if allowed significant power in the decision making process.

     I think the balance for me exists within these blog entries (or whatever you call them). Through writing, I can be honest. I never saw the point in writing something if you're not going to mean what you write. It just doesn't make sense to me, so I've forced myself to be honest. Admittedly, it takes me quite a while to muster up the nerve to actually post it. I read it over and over, battling with myself if it's "too honest" or if I'm going to be crossing that "line"... Some things I don't post, and something things I edit out until it's comfortable enough, void of absolute truth with a "beat around the bush" approach to what I actually mean. It bothers me. This whole fear / honesty topic is something that I obviously struggle with.

     Recently, my friend Dan and I had a conversation that got me thinking. Dan is one of the most honest and candid guys I've ever met. He's also the go to guy for answers or insights on some of the big / deep / philosophical questions life throws at us from time to time... for me, anyways. He's got such a creative perspective on life that I really admire and it continually challenges me to think about things on a different and deeper level, which I appreciate. During one of my "coffee talks" with Dan, which continued over a lengthy thread of text messages, we began to discuss this whole complicated fear / honesty issue.

     It's funny how only one short, little sentence and completely alter your perspective. I was expressing to Dan, my habit of backing down from being honest or "following my heart", because of the nervousness and fear that comes along with doing so. Dan responded with something that has stuck with me ever since and has helped me in a lot of ways - "Well, if you're nervous or scared about it, it means you really care about it". It seems so simple yet it's so true. I have never stopped to think that the fear attached to my need to be honest is only my heart's way of affirming how much I care about what is I need to be honest about. I find that by viewing the feeling of fear as a indication of how much I care, then it's much less debilitating.

     It's one thing to acknowledge that you're fearful of being honest about something, and it's another to let that fear take shot gun and hold you back. 

I think this is what Dan was ultimately trying to say by, "Fear should have a say in decisions because it's a natural human emotion. But just because you let it have a say, you shouldn't let it control your decisions".  But as natural as fear is, it's also learned - because being honest in the past may have left us scarred, we're fearful it's going to happen again. But ACKNOWLEDGING the fear isn't the same as letting it govern whether or not you should be honest - it's letting you know that there's a reason why you're dying to be honest, and a reason why you're holding back. Being aware of these things is healthy; it makes you think about risks and rewards of a decision.

     And there's always going to be risks - risks of losing something, changing something, or coming out looking like a fool...but I still whole heatedly believe that honesty is the best policy... Even if the risks out weigh the rewards for we'll never know how great the reward could potentially be if we're always too fear stricken to take the risk.

     I can't say I'm a risk taker, nor am I always honest when I want to be... In fact, as straight up and honest as people seem to think I am, there's a lot I hold back - especially when my heart is involved. I can be a very guarded person when I feel I need to be - but I'm working on it... And writing about it is the first step. I have to learn to let my heart get involved sometimes and reap some of the rewards by making a few emotional gambles. It's not going to be easy because I am easily made fearful and self-conscious when I become the least bit vulnerable. It's not supposed to be easy though, and I'm not always going to win, but I know even more that I am not going to gain anything by hiding my heart behind these walls that I've laboured on for years to "protect" myself ... They are getting me NO WHERE.

     So it's time for a restructuring of government by letting my heart have more say in my decisions. I want to feel liberated in my honesty rather than frustrated because I only said what I felt was safe to say. I want to explore all the things that being honest has to offer - so I'm tearing down these walls and letting the adventure begin... Slowly but surely

"Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You'd better know that in the end

Its better to say too much

Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say"

 - John Mayer

Love.

     Why is it so hard to admit that you love someone? I mean sure, there's always that chance that the person you love won't love you back and that your heart will be broken because previous encounters with love have left you this way. It might also mean a new level of vulnerability and commitment that you're not ready to open yourself or your heart to. In either case, the word "love" has nothing but negative connotations attached to it, or so it seems.  Love equals heartbreak, tears, fear, anxiety, the reason someone stays when they shouldn't,  and may even be the excuse for one's bad decisions.

     I will admit, I have experienced love this way. The heartbreak, the fear, the tears... All of it, and it sucks. I will even go as far as to say that it's my experience with love that has closed off my heart until even "liking" someone was huge for me, and I'm not one who generally hides what I'm feeling... But love changed me. I'm not ashamed to admit that I was "in love", or that I still am... Or whatever but it's all still a very confusing concept to me, but I think I've figured it out on a personal level.

     I think we all can agree that we've seen enough movies to know what love is REALLY supposed to be like...right? The happily ever afters, the last minute "I love you" before the girl marries the "wrong" guy, the intense passion, connection and the steamy romance between two perfect strangers ... Or basically the plot of 27 Dresses, and every other romantic comedy ever made. Obviously I'm kidding... These superficial versions of "love" are really only misguiding people in their search for the real thing, heightening their expectations for love and leaving them hanging on a mere disappointment when Jeff, who they met at school, works at the coffee shop on weekends and is a totally normal guy,  turns out to be a couple of blue eyes and a six pack short of a James Marsden or Ryan Reynolds...let alone, prince charming.  Just like pornography distorts a man's view and expectations of sex; the "chick flick" does the exact same thing for women - it's emotional pornography, in a sense. The one thing that our culture of gluttons essentially stuffs their flesh with, is the very same thing that they are essentially being starved of - the true meaning of love.  

     So what happens to Jeff? Well, we dump him because we can do better - After all our Edward is out there somewhere waiting for us to choose him, while our Jacob is fighting him for our love. You know, I've heard about girls actually breaking up with their boyfriends because the poor guy doesn't treat her the same way the fictional/ mythical creatures in Twilight treat Bella. It's funny, but way too often the reality.

     Personally, these movies make me incredibly self-conscious because I know that I'm nothing like these girls in the movies who are the object of every man's desire.  They're stunningly beautiful , vulnerable, delicate, funny, cutesy, and are equipped with an endless amount of social grace. If this is the kind of girl that guys are looking for then we're all running around aimlessly looking for love in all the wrong places, because these people don't exist. We are missing each other while looking for the fictional and unobtainable.... But I digress.

     As I mentioned before, I used to think love was nothing but something that caused me an endless amount of emotional madness which hindered me from being true to my feelings. And by consuming these movies, I was really only deepening my insecurities about love and what it was to me...was.

     I recently had a conversation with one of my closest friends, Kory. When this girl speaks, I listen. She has a way of putting things into words that help me to see the "big picture".  On one of our late night walk and talks, Kory and I began sharing some of our biggest heart breaks about  the boys we've loved and the boys who didn't love us back. We also talked about some of our recent crushes and how we're so scared of letting our guards down because of the times we've lost in the past. But Kory said something interesting to me while talking about my fears of admitting to the feelings I was experiencing for a certain individual. She told me that the only reason I'm scared is because I believe that the odds are against me just because of my past experiences, which haven't been many... But because I've "lost" a couple of times, I walk away from what I want expecting to never win. I accept defeat as soon as I feel threatened. 

     If we  keep holding onto our  "loser" mentality, we will remain losers. Our self esteem will remain low, our hearts will remain damaged and closed, and we will continue to push potentially great things away from us...

     So this is what I've learned: It's okay to love someone, in fact, it's beautiful - whether or not they feel the same way. It's amazing to me how much the human heart can care for another person.  I've also learned that when you've come to the point of falling in love with someone, you never really "fall out" of love... I just don't think it happens. Personally, I believe two things take place: first, you learn to love without - coming to terms with your feelings and the feelings of the other person while understanding that it's just not going to happen. Sure, it hurts, you might cry, and definitely have your heart broken, but it's not a bad thing - it's things like this that keep us human, and the good news is that our hearts are pretty resilient.

     Once you learn to live without, you'll learn to love differently. This can be a process - it definitely was, and in some ways still is for me. Basically, it's moving yourself away from the romantic love to a more friendship/family oriented type of love. I'm sure you've heard one of your friends say it, or maybe it's even been said to you, "I love you so much....I'm just not IN love with you" - and this is was leaning to love differently is all about...Just loving with out expectations of a romantic relationship.

     Again, love is a beautiful thing and it's something we personalize as we mature in it, experience it, lose it, and receive it, but we have to make sure that the way we personalize it is in a healthy way and not a distorted way that feeds these negative connotations because of our expectations due to skewed representations.

     And if you're wondering what a healthy love is, look no further than the Word of God.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; Love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest is love. - 1Corinthians 13: 4-7, 13

     I've been doing my best to apply this to my life, and  I feel as though I'm getting closer and closer each day because the hurt is fading...the answer was right in front of me, sitting on my bedroom shelf the whole time. Sure,  It's not always easy because so often I make my feelings about me - but love is not selfish. By Remembering that love never fails, we should love without fear, without conditions, without boundaries. Don't be scared of your feelings, I guess is what I'm trying to say. They were given to you for a reason and we were created to love. So do it, and do it biblically. The odds are not against you, and God has dealt you an excellent hand.

     My mom always says, "every sugar bowl has a lid". He/she is out there so don't let yourself be defeated, just be optimistic, resilient, and most of all, Patient.

Options

Options, we all have them.  We use them when deciding what to wear and what to do with our days; we are always weighing them, comparing and contrasting them against each other and choosing one option over the other. It's just what we do, and we take it for granted. 

Lately, this word, "option" really irks me.  It's all I can focus on every time it slips out of someone's mouth , haunting me until I give it my full attention.  It's like an itch I can't scratch and it's as though  I'm hearing it repeated over and over in every conversation I have. I hate the word.

Weird, right? Maybe, but  It never used to bother me . This strong and seemingly  over-dramatic feeling  towards this word started only a couple of weeks ago.

Last year, I was hurt. I let a boy in and he hurt me. To be honest, I spent most of my time being mad about what happened rather than admitting that I was in fact hurt. This is a typical thing for me to do though, so I wasn't surprised when I recently found myself feeling sad and missing this boy so long after the fact. Because this guy was and still is a very close friend of mine, I thought it was necessary that a conversation regarding last year's events take place. I felt the need to let him know that he hurt me, and it took a lot guts.

You never know what someone's reaction to such a topic will be, and I was pleasantly surprised by how well he received what I had to say and handled my honesty , as well as the  honesty he gave me in return

Without getting into details of what happened, he told me that I was an "option".  He warned me that it was going to sound bad and potentially hurt before he said it... But it was honest, and as much as it bothered me, I did appreciate it.  I told him I understood what he meant, but the way I see it... I was something he could have taken or left; something to fall back on if all else failed, I was an "option"...

I've never had "options" when it came to guys or relationships. I think that's because I invest a lot of myself into my prospects and it's hard to for me to see past what I'm set on and so I close myself off to my "options", if they even exist. Frankly, I'm glad that's how it works for me. But how do I stop being and option?  I can't say this is the first time this has happened to me, but it's definitely the first time a guy has been honest with me about it and made me aware of it, but how do you stop?

I hate the fact that I was an option, especially to someone I care so much for. I can't blame him, it's probably normal, but it's just hard to hear. I'd like to think I'm more than just an option ...yeah, yeah, yeah... But I don't know how to stop being one, I don't know how to remove myself from the situation. I guess I can only  learn how not to get into the situation, that is, not let myself get so involved that I end up becoming one.  But I think once you're there, once you've felt it, become vulnerable, let your guard down  and someone in, being an option isn't an option... It just happens, and you just got to trust or believe that you're they're first choice.

Life is full of these little trials. Some break your heart, some leave you hurt, some change you, but every single of one of them, regardless of the obscurity and / or difficulty of the lesson, teach you something you didn't know before.  They're essential to our lives  and they keep us human.