This is the song I've been listening to over and over today, and for some reason it has made me realize that I am walking and talking internal struggle. Not a day goes by where I am not arguing with myself or trying to sort out some sort of personal issue I'm having with my feelings and thoughts. I'm constantly flirting with that thin line between what my heart wants and what my head knows, hoping to find a balance while continually crossing the line into one area or the other which results in either regret for doing what my head said, or hurt because I listened to my heart. Usually my heart is telling me, "Keeley, go for it! What do you have to lose!?", while my head is stepping in front of my heart, pushing it aside saying, "seriously?! You're going to listen to THIS guy? Have you learned ANYTHING?!". And so consequently, I build up these walls around my heart, not only to shut it up, but to protect it from being reckless and potentially dangerous, all while letting my head govern how often it's allowed to come out and have a say in my life's decisions... And I don't feel as though I'm the only person who does this.
Unfortunately, these walls that we build up to protect us, are the same walls that ultimately entrap us and hold us back. Finding that balance between heart and head is so important, but so very difficult to do. The head plays it safe while the heart is impulsive... At least in my experience. My head installs fear into my heart - the fear of being hurt, rejected, let down, or not enough, and so when it comes to being honest about my heart, I hold back. There have been countless times where I have felt it necessary to lay it all out there, speak what's on my heart and let my feelings about something (or, usually someone) be made known -but then all of a sudden, the fear takes hold, my self consciousness kicks in and I bite my tongue as I disappear behind the emotional walls I've created. Fear is so debilitating, and such a dangerous element if allowed significant power in the decision making process.
I think the balance for me exists within these blog entries (or whatever you call them). Through writing, I can be honest. I never saw the point in writing something if you're not going to mean what you write. It just doesn't make sense to me, so I've forced myself to be honest. Admittedly, it takes me quite a while to muster up the nerve to actually post it. I read it over and over, battling with myself if it's "too honest" or if I'm going to be crossing that "line"... Some things I don't post, and something things I edit out until it's comfortable enough, void of absolute truth with a "beat around the bush" approach to what I actually mean. It bothers me. This whole fear / honesty topic is something that I obviously struggle with.
Recently, my friend Dan and I had a conversation that got me thinking. Dan is one of the most honest and candid guys I've ever met. He's also the go to guy for answers or insights on some of the big / deep / philosophical questions life throws at us from time to time... for me, anyways. He's got such a creative perspective on life that I really admire and it continually challenges me to think about things on a different and deeper level, which I appreciate. During one of my "coffee talks" with Dan, which continued over a lengthy thread of text messages, we began to discuss this whole complicated fear / honesty issue.
It's funny how only one short, little sentence and completely alter your perspective. I was expressing to Dan, my habit of backing down from being honest or "following my heart", because of the nervousness and fear that comes along with doing so. Dan responded with something that has stuck with me ever since and has helped me in a lot of ways - "Well, if you're nervous or scared about it, it means you really care about it". It seems so simple yet it's so true. I have never stopped to think that the fear attached to my need to be honest is only my heart's way of affirming how much I care about what is I need to be honest about. I find that by viewing the feeling of fear as a indication of how much I care, then it's much less debilitating.
It's one thing to acknowledge that you're fearful of being honest about something, and it's another to let that fear take shot gun and hold you back.
I think this is what Dan was ultimately trying to say by, "Fear should have a say in decisions because it's a natural human emotion. But just because you let it have a say, you shouldn't let it control your decisions". But as natural as fear is, it's also learned - because being honest in the past may have left us scarred, we're fearful it's going to happen again. But ACKNOWLEDGING the fear isn't the same as letting it govern whether or not you should be honest - it's letting you know that there's a reason why you're dying to be honest, and a reason why you're holding back. Being aware of these things is healthy; it makes you think about risks and rewards of a decision.
And there's always going to be risks - risks of losing something, changing something, or coming out looking like a fool...but I still whole heatedly believe that honesty is the best policy... Even if the risks out weigh the rewards for we'll never know how great the reward could potentially be if we're always too fear stricken to take the risk.
I can't say I'm a risk taker, nor am I always honest when I want to be... In fact, as straight up and honest as people seem to think I am, there's a lot I hold back - especially when my heart is involved. I can be a very guarded person when I feel I need to be - but I'm working on it... And writing about it is the first step. I have to learn to let my heart get involved sometimes and reap some of the rewards by making a few emotional gambles. It's not going to be easy because I am easily made fearful and self-conscious when I become the least bit vulnerable. It's not supposed to be easy though, and I'm not always going to win, but I know even more that I am not going to gain anything by hiding my heart behind these walls that I've laboured on for years to "protect" myself ... They are getting me NO WHERE.
So it's time for a restructuring of government by letting my heart have more say in my decisions. I want to feel liberated in my honesty rather than frustrated because I only said what I felt was safe to say. I want to explore all the things that being honest has to offer - so I'm tearing down these walls and letting the adventure begin... Slowly but surely
"Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say"
- John Mayer
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