Today, I just don't feel like being tough. As I sit here outside against these rocks for the first time in months with journal in hand and really think about things, I come to two conclusions:
1. I really miss home, especially the water, and
2. I think I'm feeling this way due to the evidence of Spring's arrival.
I'm always sort of thrown for a loop when the seasons begin to change. I think it's the physical evidence of the passing of time to which I have to adjust. Although it happens slowly, and I know that it's coming, and I know what to expect from the approaching season, a part of me wishes I could just pause mother nature... If only for a few minutes, just to say a proper goodbye.
I feel like today is the start of a long goodbye. Everything about today makes me miss the simplicity that I believe once existed. As I mentioned before, It's the first day since last September that I remember the weather being hospitable to outdoor study sessions, acoustic guitars, and fall hoodies. However, the wind still carries with it winter's chill as if to remind it's still very much here.
With spring creeping up among the unsuspecting trees, I sit here and breath it all in. There's something different in the air- the smell, the feel, the freshness - that smacks me awake and rolls over me like a thunderstorm the minute I step foot out of the confines of my basement apartment. The sun, an automatic trigger, floods into my eyes and brings with it images that force me to reminisce as I peel off my winter jacket and allow its warmth to hug my skin. There's a sinking feeling consuming my chest that I can't explain and don't want to, for I feel I'll remember it all too soon - the way it was intended to be remembered and I'm not sure if I'm ready to feel differently then how I do now, when I really think about it.
Spring brings with it renewal, renewal I don't think I'm ready to begin - not yet. I am terrified of what it will mean for me because as the spring rises out of winter's deadly grip and makes things beautiful once again, I'm not sure how to do the same or if it's even possible . I've fallen comfortable in the cold, applying layer upon layer in an attempt to feel this kind of warmth - but it's fleeting, not real, man made comfort that serves only as a quick fix. Beneath these layers, I find myself drowning. I no longer recognize myself for who I am is wrapped up tightly and desperately escaping this chill - this cold and bitter chill. I protect myself beyond what is necessary, beyond what is comfortable, until the uncomfort becomes familiar adding only another useless layer.
But spring - it forces uncomfort. It defeats death and insists that the layers come off. It's still vulnerable to winter's wrath but succeeds in bringing forth life. I believe in the possibilities of spring, I really do. I guess I'm just not ready to say goodbye to winter yet.
Now the sun has begun to set upon the spring's first attempt at transformation and I am comforted by winter's routine as I button up the coat I had peeled off only hours ago. I can't help but smile as I catch the sight of my breath. Even though I look forward to the warmer weather, I still enjoy how on cold nights, the wind is still sometimes able to whip through the layers and hit my bones as if to say, "I'm not done with you yet, either", and it makes me feel alive.
Life's playlist, track 2...potentially:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8vrGYwTc1Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8vrGYwTc1Y
